There are basic steps to resolve conflicts. All leaders are bound to encounter difficulties between two people or groups.This will happen when the team is in the ‘storming’ stage of team development.In this stage the conflict may not be completely obvious.It’s quite true that some will act out their issues.Others can become extra quiet and withdrawn.
The simple steps to resolve any conflict are:
·Be aware of yourself.
·Be aware of others.
·Listen.
·Use your EAR. [Express, Address, Resolve.]
**For the last decade I’ve been involved with leadership development of tomorrow’s leaders. Using my expertise, I am training the youth leaders in conflict resolution. This blog is adapted from my training materials.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
Thanksgiving conflicts reduces anyone’s ability to be thankful. Thanksgiving is sometimes referred to as forced family time. It is ripe for all kinds of potential conflicts.Here are some things to minimize or avoid conflicts on the big day without lowering your expectations of being truly thankful.
·Realize that Norman Rockwell was a fraud.His famous Thanksgiving painting is a total fantasy.I’ve been told that when he painted it, each of the models posed separately.So naturally they appear happy.They were not in the same room with the others and they obviously didn’t have to eat the food.They couldn’t because it had to remain for the next model.
·Speaking of food… for all of those that have recently converted to a vegan diet or just discovered the South Beach, North Beach or West Beach diet, or have any dietary restrictions based on health: the only statement on the subject you can make is (with a smile) – “No, Thank you” while you are passing the plates.
·Thanksgiving is not the time to proselytize anyone to a life free of all of the cholesterol choking cancer causing food on the table. Yes, stress causes heart attacks.But stress doesn’t come from always eating the wrong foods, it also comes from people reminding (nagging) you not to eat certain foods.
·For those of you on a diet at Thanksgiving and can’t see anything on the table the diet will allow you to eat, and you still want to be true to your diet.Just remember you do want to loose weight so not eating anything would still be a good thing.
·Speaking of proselytizing…Thanksgiving should be a time to be thankful that we are blessed in this country with the privilege to not have to talk politics 365-days a year.Thanksgiving is the time to eat the turkey and to stop talking about the turkeys running the country.
·Realize that everyone does not have to do the same thing all the time.For some (or a whole lot of people) cheering on their favorite football team with family and friends is just as much a bonding experience as other activities.Let them watch the game.At least half the population will be truly thankful their team won.Being thankful is what it is all about.
·Some may want to watch football, others might want to play a game of football, other still may want to go out and change the water pump on a car.That is OK!Chill out!Be thankful they are all here and having fun.
·Thanksgiving is not a time to be thankful for your holiday cruise to the Caribbean, new car, house, job, or any other material thing.Be thankful for the little things: breathing, the sunrise, food on the table, and laughter.We are all social people and never truly get along with each other.If there was no conflict we wouldn’t be human and we need to be thankful that we are human.
About the Author: Ken Strongman, is a private commercial mediator/arbitrator of complex, high risk litigated cases since 2004. Disputes addressed include business, securities, construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, employment, environment, energy, and trusts & estates. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
No, it is not necessary to have a lawyer representing you at mediation. If you have a lawyer already representing your interests in the dispute you would need to discuss this with him or her. If you feel you need legal advice or that you are unqualified or uncomfortable dealing with the issues on your own, then you should consult a lawyer and perhaps hire someone on an hourly basis solely for the purpose of representing you at the mediation.
If, on the other hand, you are involved in a dispute that you feel comfortable resolving without a lawyer, keeping in mind that your mediator will not give you legal advice or advocate on your behalf, by all means, make an attempt to resolve it on your own first.
Do remember that the other party has a right to hire an attorney and to bring them to the mediation to help represent them.If that scenario occurs, there will be no one to advocate your interests. You will not have a right to delay the mediation to hire your own attorney.
Mediation is a voluntary process that centers on discussions and decision-making, rather than judgment. It is focused on resolving disputes based on the factual circumstances, the needs of the parties and practicality, and not solely on the legal rights of the parties (sometimes, despite those rights). Often, the mere presence of an attorney creates an antagonistic and adversarial atmosphere that impedes resolution rather than assisting it.
It has been my experience that when the parties have attorneys and those attorneys are actively helping to resolve the issues, the mediation is more successful. This does not mean that representing yourself in mediation is a no-win situation. I have conducted many mediations where one or more parties were self represented.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
One of the key steps to resolve any conflict is knowing how to respond to an angry person.You just have to listen to them.
When you’re listening to an angry person:
Be attentive and patient: Keep in mind that they will become less angry as you let them express themselves.
Be sincere: Empathy and validation must be both honest and genuine. Don’t react any other way.
Be calm: Try to remove your own emotions from the discussion. Remember that an angry person may say inflammatory things in the heat of the moment, but you do not have to react angrily.They may be trying to push your buttons and make you angry. By so doing, they believe that they will gain the upper hand in the conflict.
**For the last decade I’ve been involved with leadership development of tomorrow’s leaders. Using my expertise, I am training the youth leaders in conflict resolution. This blog is adapted from my training materials.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
It is assumed that a retired judge makes a better mediator than someone that has not been a judge.This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Rendering judgment requires an entirely different skill set than helping the parties resolve their case through mediation. The day to day activities of a judge do not lend themselves to facilitating the resolution of conflicts.The basic skill that is useful to a judge but not a mediator is the ability to make quick and final decisions on any particular issue. Therefore when they approach mediation they want to make the decision and not let the parties control their own solution to the problem.
It is assumed that 20-years on the bench translates to 20-years experience working with civil attorneys and parties and the issues of civil litigation.In most courts today, very few judges are presiding over civil trials.Most of their days as spent presiding over criminal trials.Even the remaining time of their tenure on the bench is divided between family law, juvenile, probate, and traffic.
The law practice of most judges before being appointed to the bench is not as a civil attorney.Many were deputy district attorneys or public defenders before becoming judges.Therefore they have no experience with any civil issues before becoming judges.
Mediation is a voluntary process that centers on discussions and decision-making, rather than judgment by a judge or retired judge. It is focused on resolving disputes based on the factual circumstances, the needs of the parties and practicality, and not solely on the legal rights of the parties. Often, the mere presence of a retired judge creates an antagonistic and adversarial atmosphere that impedes resolution rather than assisting it.
In reality you want a mediator such as me that is trained in helping the parties resolve their problems.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
The Contra Costa Superior Court held a reception to thank the hundreds of volunteers from the legal and professional community who contributed their time and talent to support the court. I was one of the volunteers so honored.
The Presiding Judge, the Honorable Barry Goode said, “There have been so many setbacks as our budget has been cut over the past five years, we simply could not function as well as we do without you. Your efforts as mediators, arbitrators, settlement mentors, temporary judges, discovery facilitators, docents, clerks and interns, CASA and clinic Volunteers have made all the difference. We thank you on behalf of the parties with cases before the court, and the public whose access to their justice system you have supported.”
I’m proud to be associated with this large group who has given of their time and talents to improve access to justice.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
Don’t be afraid of anger – angry people can’t lie.
The first step to resolve any conflict is to defuse anger.But do not be afraid of anger.An angry person can’t lie because anger is a primitive emotional response.To lie, you must control your emotions and turn on your intellect.So when someone is angry, whatever they are telling you contains some truth.Beware that this does not stop good actors.A good actor merely appears to be angry as they try to control the situation
There are several reasons for anger:
To vent. An angry person needs to let off steam and release the anger that may have been brewing for a long time.To resolve the conflict you need to allow this to happen, but try to control it by reframing their issues.
To get the listener’s attention. An angry person wants to know that you are paying attention.Use good listening skills to demonstrate that you are paying attention.
To be heard. An angry person wants someone to listen to their point of view.To resolve the conflict, you need to acknowledge the feelings you hear so that the speaker knows you appreciate how angry they are.
To be understood. An angry person wants someone to appreciate how they feel.Therefore try to empathize with their experience so that they feel you understand the situation, and acknowledge their ‘right’ to feel the way they do.This does not mean that you should agree with their justification.You do want to remain neutral in the conflict and not pick sides.
**For the last decade I’ve been involved with leadership development of tomorrow’s leaders. Using my expertise, I am training the youth leaders in conflict resolution. This blog is adapted from my training materials.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
If something happens in the mediation that irritates you, what will you do to get back on task?
The resolution of a dispute does not just occur on the day of the mediation. Each participant to mediation needs to prepare their own strategy for negotiation in the settlement. Based on my experience as a mediator, these are a collection of tasks each participant needs to complete and to discuss with their council and the mediator before the mediation.
How will you help get things back on task if that happens? Things happen in mediation. Sometimes it is the realization that the person that caused the dispute is sitting across the table from you. You have just been confronted with the fact that you still have to deal with them whether now or in court. You need to develop a game plan for getting back on task and settling the dispute. It might be a private caucus or just a break. It might be a continuance of the mediation itself to another day. Communicating your needs to the mediator will help get things back on task and help settle the dispute.
Will you risk your future financial interests to avoid uncomfortable discussions now? This is the question you must keep in mind. Mediation can be quite uncomfortable. Mediation is conflict at its best. But settlements do happen and are worth the discomfort.
Will you accept a satisfactory offer to settle, even if you are very resentful about how you’ve been treated? At some point you must make the decision that you want to settle the dispute and move on to better days. It is important to make this decision before you come to the mediation. If you do not want to settle, and want to continue expending the emotional energy, not counting the expense of litigation, then mediation will not be effective.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
We have grown used to life happening instantaneously. What we forget is that despite all the fast and furious technology, we remain human beings. We may be more sophisticated overall, but are otherwise no different than we were thousands of years ago. Our thought processes and decision-making ability have not evolved along with technology and to expect otherwise is to set ourselves up for disappointment, if not failure.
Too many people approach mediation as a finite process, allowing only two or three hours, with the expectation that the dispute will either be resolved or it won’t, but the process will be complete. Sometimes they are correct, but in most cases, this is a mistake that dooms the process to failure. Regardless of the dispute involved, mediation is a personal process that needs to occur in human time. Without exception, at least one of the participants in the mediation will have some very personal issues to confront and assess in making the decisions asked of them. Because the point of mediation is “resolution” rather than merely “settlement”, it is unfair and often impossible to rush this.
It is always best to have an open-ended amount of time available when scheduling mediation, in order to allow for the possibility of prolonged discussions. If you are unable, for whatever reason, to give the process this time in a single session, let me, as your mediator, know at the outset, and allow for the possibility of further discussions in the future.
Allowing people the ability to process information in their own time, whether at the mediation session or subsequent sessions, will lead to greater contentment in resolution and a greater likelihood of finality to the dispute involved.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
All conflicts have similar ingredients.They may vary in amount but most are present in some way.
Needs – Needs are physical requirements essential to our well-being. Conflicts arise when we ignore others’ needs, our own needs or the group’s needs. It is important to not to confuse needs with desires.These are the things we would like to have but are not essential.
Perceptions – All humans interpret reality differently. They perceive differences in the severity, causes and consequences of problems. Misperceptions or differing perceptions may come from: self-perceptions, others’ perceptions, differing perceptions of situations and perceptions of threat.How something is framed will affect its perception.So in conflict resolution, re-framing is an important task to get to a solution.
Power – How people define and use power is an important influence on the number and types of conflicts that occur. This also influences how conflict is managed. Conflicts can arise when people try to make others change their actions or to gain an unfair advantage.This is a powerful human motivation.Everyone wants to establish or reestablish the perception of control.
Values – Values are beliefs or principles we consider to be very important. Serious conflicts arise when people hold incompatible values or when values are not clear. Conflicts also arise when one party refuses to accept the fact that the other party holds something as a value rather than a preference.To resolve the conflict, clarify each party’s values.
Feelings and emotions – Many people let their feelings and emotions become a major influence over how they deal with conflict. Conflicts can also occur because people ignore their own or others’ feelings and emotions. Other conflicts occur when feelings and emotions differ over a particular issue.
For an experienced Mediator to help negotiate a resolution to your dispute contact Ken Strongman. Here.
**For the last decade I’ve been involved with leadership development of tomorrow’s leaders. Using my expertise, I am training the youth leaders in conflict resolution. This blog is adapted from my training materials.
About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
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About the Author: Ken Strongman (www.kpstrongman.com) has years of experience and a growing national reputation as a mediator and arbitrator. He has successfully resolved more than a thousand disputes in the fields of construction defects, real estate, intellectual property, and employment. He is also a Mediator and Arbitrator for FINRA.
